{Y:i}Turning to our home scene in New York:
{Y:i}The US dollar moved in a range of only 10 to 20 points.
{Y:i}The mayor was dumb.
{Y:i}And the council stood as if they were changed into blocks of wood.
Give me your towel.
I want to see what's underneath. Come on, let me see that.
Learn a thing or two. I need this towel. I want it.
I have to dry my hair. I have to dry my fingernails. Give me this towel.
Hell of a time for a vacation.
A hell of a time is right.
Your dad snaps his fingers and you jump like a jack-in-the-box.
He calls on one day and the next day you're off to Vermont.
It's the only time he can get away.
And he likes it there.
And I like it there.
Who's been shelling the kitchen? What's going on here? Maneuvers?
No, I'm looking for the prize.
The prize is in the bottom of the box.
Can I take it with me?
It's not the prize, it's the flakes all over.
All right, let's go. Your mother's going to yell at us.
No fair.
You're breaking my heart.
Hang on a minute.
Here it is. What have we got here?
It's a double over-and-under space flyer upside-down flotsam.
How about a kiss for your old dad?
I love you, Daddy.
I love you, too.
{Y:i}"... the world of traffic", we have a few problems...
Peter, how about the carpet?
It's not the Golden Fleece, you know.
{Y:i}"... as well", "yes", we could expect more trouble...
You could take the weekend.
We sang this song already, didn't we?
Okay, I won't press it.
- Don't sit around driving yourself crazy. - Let me tell you about crazy.
If Eliot gives me this, it can mean a senior vice-presidency, maybe next year...
a seat on the board, not to mention another $25,000 per annum...
which means a lot of things, like the mortgage on this dump.
- Daddy offered us the mortgage. - "Daddy offered."
Your daddy's very sweet, but he didn't pay for this place. He didn't pick it out.
We found it, paid for it, renovated it and we pay off the mortgage ourselves.
Besides which, if I get this...
maybe I'll buy you your own damn ski resort. What do you think?
I think you'll get it.
I better, because if I don't get it...
next month the world will see us pitching pennies in Guatemala.
It'd be fun with you in Guatemala.
Peter, be careful.
I'll call you tonight.
Call before midnight. I turn into a pumpkin.
- A beautiful pumpkin. - You're biased.
You're right. I am.
All right, champ, keep it under 70. Take care of your mom.
- Have fun. - I love you.
- A little Mozart in the morning? - Good morning, Mr. Hughes.
- Hi, Karen. - Good morning.
- Pyramid Industries. - It's too early for word association.
You take a shot for that?
I'll bite. Pyramid Industries is Arab money in whiteface.
They're trying to cop this country's grain belt. What's it to you?
Riverton's given Pyramid to me. I sent Janis to pick up the files.
Is that all right?
Pyramid Industries was Capstan International.
Here's the rest of it.
- Thanks. - Good morning.
Why so cheerful?
I ran into James Hall on my way in.
I wouldn't let him walk behind me unless I had a rear-view mirror.
Why did Riverton give him the Pyramid Industries merger? That was mine!
Don't sweat it. Rumors are flying...
Riverton's going to give that re-organization assignment to somebody.
And all bets are in your favor.
All this intrigue.
This isn't a trust company, it's the court of Louis XIV.
You were having a lot of fun with Pyramid Industries, weren't you?
Yeah, I was. Mergers like Pyramid are my strong suit.
I don't know a damn thing about reorganizing bank branches.
- But if Eliot gives you this"..." - I know. The sky's the limit.
It's 9:00.
How do you stay ahead of everything?
I've seen what happens if I don't stay two paces ahead of you.
- Pretty blouse. - Thanks.
- You've got a thread hanging there. - Only you'd notice.
Details, darling, details.
Know how I'd go about revamping the Commercial American branches?
A volley of mortar fire followed by a flamethrower.
- Excellent. - Good morning.
It's a little restless in there. I wanted to speak to you before we get started.
Keep Thursday night open.
A dinner party for the L.A. branch managers. Nothing elaborate.
Besides, I want to see your pretty wife, whom I haven't seen in ages.
Meg's with her dad in Vermont. But let us not stand on ceremony.
Why in the name of Joe did you pitch that Pyramid thing to James Hall?
I was flying with that grain deal.
I need a hands-on guy, Bart...
to handle the reorganization of all the branch offices of this trust company.
Somebody with new ideas, not old ones with a face-lift.
- This is the topic of the day. - The topic is over.
I need a package for the board meeting in two weeks.
- In two weeks? - Can you do it?
- I'll have to shift things. - Which is why I gave Pyramid to Hall.
Lorrie can handle whatever else you've got.
I'll give it a shot.
It's yours. 'Cause you know what's riding on it.
Shit!
Oh, Lord, I don't need this. I really don't need this.
{Y:i}"I appreciate this. I couldn"'"t get" my plumber for another 10 days.
- "Can you believe that?" - "You should"'"ve called me first."
Everybody calls you, relies on you. You got your own building next door.
Look at this. It's what I told you. See this?
Smell it. That's dishwashing stuff. I told you that before.
- It's not the sink? - It's the dishwasher, like I said.
My wife had this thing overhauled a month ago.
Don't worry about nothing. It's not the motor.
Here, I got the problem. Look at this.
- You see that? That's your drain hose. - Wait.
- You ready for that? - What could cause that?
What causes that is extreme heat from the machine here, and the casing"..."
- Just, "bang"? - Bang! General wear and tear, too.
Did you see any mice?
Mice? No, I got no mice here.
If you had, you'd see them because it'd take an army of mice to do that.
Maybe it's a rat.
A rat? No, there's no mice here. There's no rat in this house.
There's no rat in this house?
What are you trying to say? I need an exterminator?
That's for old ladies and people who don't want their hands dirty.
- You have a problem with that? - I got no problem getting my hands dirty.
I renovated this house from the bottom up.
Very nice.
It'd be horrible if an exterminator came and unrenovated it from bottom up...
tore out your cabinetry. Took this out. That's what they do. They wreck the place.
No. Wait a minute. Nobody's tearing out nothing. You mind, by the way?
What? I'm sorry.
- You did beautiful work over here. - You got any other ideas?
You got any traps?
I got some left over from when I rebuilt the basement.
You should put them out.
A rat could eat through this?
You're kidding, right? You ever see a rat's teeth?
A rat could eat through electrical wiring.
- I'll put down some traps. - You know what the trouble with traps is?
You got yourself an intelligent rat, he'll snatch the food from the trap...
eat it and run around here creating general havoc.
I should think he'd be happier in the Bronx.
I tell you, a rat could be happy anywhere.
Let me ask you something. Is this real tile?
- It's beautiful. - I'm glad you like it.
This is beautiful.
Good morning, Eliot.
Back in the office, Junior.
Hi, honey. So did you get it?
I knew you would. I'm so proud of you.
The bad news is he only gave me two weeks for the whole package.
Peter, could you calm down?
Two weeks?
I think he's putting me under the gun on purpose.
I know, but Hall and his cronies are waiting for me to fall on my ass.
So they're lvy League. That doesn't guarantee everything in life.
Eliot worked his way up just like you.
I know, but it's a tough package.
Working harder doesn't guarantee anything either.
Bart, you'll pull it off. I know you will.
Peter's giving Daddy a cardiac arrest. I'll call you later.
I love you.
I love you, too.
He got it!
Los Angeles branch.
Speak the King's English. What're you saying?
The review, the meeting.
You all right? You look tired.
It's a boring story. What's this dork's name again?
- Thompson. Los Angeles. - Right.
- Anything interesting there? - Any luck with the traps?
I'll soon find out.
Rats, my butt.
Good Lord!
What's this?
You see that? Super Rat did that.
You gonna nail him with this?
Who gave you this? Your grandma? These are antiquated traps.
- You got to get proper traps. - There must be a better way.
There's only five ways: You trap them, you poison them...
you knock them on the head, you gas them, or you shoot them.
But you got to remember one thing: a rat is a survivor.
The best there is.
- Know where I learned that? - Where?
- In the army. Were you in the army? - No.
I was. At Enewetak Island.
You never heard of that?
It's the atomic test site. I was there.
The huge blast. A couple of seconds, everything was dead.
Insects, reptiles, frigging amoeba, plant life. They all croaked.
Except for the rats. They survived. And they multiplied tenfold.
So get rid of grandma's souvenir.
See that little dog with that lady? That's Mrs. Dinovi, apartment 305.
Look at those legs. Best legs in the building.
She cut herself shaving again.
You know what's the matter with you?
You don't realize you're spending...
twenty percent of your time thinking about him.
But he's spending 100 percent of his time figuring out ways to outsmart you.
'Cause he's a rat. He's got nothing better to do.
You want a pear?
Tell Lorrie I need the rest of the Los Angeles demographics...
- and I'm taking an early lunch. - "Certainly", "Mr. Hughes."
Oh, no.
Hi, guys.
Got any idea where I should put this trap?
What? Okay.
Watch and weep, you furry fucker.
Your tie.
I'm expecting him, but he isn't back from lunch yet.
Just a sec. It's your wife.
I'll call her later.
Just to remind you that you have Eliot's dinner...
with the L.A. bank manager at 8:00.
Mr. Thompson. Eliot wants you to be there, too.
I know, Bart. You told me yesterday. Don't forget to call Meg.
This is: "Seattle Revamping Procedure, 61 and 76."
It never ends, does it?
Thank you.
Lost your olive, Bart?
Excellent.
Drink up. You really picked yourself up a prize.
What are your plans? What are you going to do?
I'm going to bring in the Orientals.
That's how I'll start, bring in the Orientals. They're great profit people.
You know what I mean?
He's Eliot's wastebasket. Gets all the shit jobs.
- Could I have a Scotch? - You'd sell your kids for the break he got.
I don't need an incentive for that, just an offer.
I'll have a Scotch, too.
The point is that Bart...
in his generosity, would like me to think that he lets me win at tennis.
Right, sport?
- I'm sorry. - A little distracted?
Just picking through the bones. Eliot.
- Enjoying your stay in New York? - I'm always happy to be here.
You did good work with the Pyramid people on that grain deal.
Did you know that over one-fifth of all the grain on this planet...
is destroyed by rats?
That's more than drought, flood, or even insects destroy.
- Did you know that? - No, I didn't.
That's over 5 billion pounds of food alone in this country.
Can you imagine how many mouths that would feed?
Not to mention the possible fiscal loss it must mean to a company like this?
- No, I can't. - Yes, it's extraordinary.
In the 14th century, the rat carried the bubonic plague flea...
that killed every one out of three people from India to Iceland.
It's true. Can you believe that? The most horrible catastrophe in history.
Over one-third of the entire population of the civilized world destroyed by rats.
Not bombs, not guns, but rats.
Your average rat can wriggle through a hole no bigger than a quarter...
swim half a mile and tread water for three days.
They can eat through lead and concrete...
with teeth that are like chisels that exert an unbelievable...
24,000 pounds per square inch per tooth.
They can survive being flushed down a toilet and enter by the same route.
They can fall five stories down to the ground and run off unharmed.
And two rats will give you 20 million rats in less than three years.
They say there are as many rats on this planet now as people.
In this country, we kill them to get rid of them.
In some countries, like the Philippines, they kill them because they have to.
To eat them.
Because that's all there is.
Stringy chicken.
That's what they say it tastes like.
And in some country, I don't know which one, they serve it as a delicacy...
like chocolate-covered bees... or caviar.
A filthy rat on fine china.
There's no accounting for taste, is there?
And in some places in Asia and India, they actually venerate them.
They worship them.
Can you imagine that?
Priests set out bowls of honey and milk...
to pamper some animal whose only contribution...
is famine, sickness, and death.
Vermin.
It's incredible.
{Y:i}"This is the Bug Man. We"'"re out on a call", but please leave a message.
Yes, this is Bart Hughes. My number is 488-8990.
You were recommended to me by a city councilman.
I'd appreciate it if you'd get back to me as soon as possible.
Thank you.
When traps don't work, get an exterminator.
I called 10 exterminators. They don't even call back.
They're overbooked. This city is an open sewer.
The rats are waiting to take over.
Interesting thing about rats. They never stop chewing.
They got to grind those teeth 'cause they keep growing.
- I know. - That's a fact.
They can chew through lead, concrete, anything.
- I hope it isn't a female. - Why?
They're twice as vicious.
Here we go. Poisons.
We got two main kinds.
This one thins the blood.
- This one works with water. - What's the difference?
That'll turn him into a walking hemorrhage.
Wait a minute. I don't want him to bleed all over my furniture.
- How about the water torture? - Steer clear of him for this one.
It'll give him a powerful thirst. He'll run for water.
Keep your toilets closed, and no water around.
He'll aim straight for the sewer and drink until he bursts.
- Pop like a balloon. - Really?
You watch out. Steer clear of him.
You get in his way and he'll go right through you.
Keep it up.
I've got friends in Jersey.
All right. That's it!
You son of a bitch!
You're going to kill somebody one day!
I still got the rat. And not only that.
I go into my bathroom in the night, it comes right out of the toilet at me.
For crying out loud! You hear that? Right out of the toilet!
I put out enough poison to kill the Lower East Side of Manhattan...
and not one nibble! Do you hear that?
Came out of the toilet at you?
Want to know why? Rats like to go for your private parts.
They like the soft parts of your body. Your blue eyes.
A rat will go through your eyes, then eat your brain.
They're smart. They love eyes and"..."
Great, I'll get contacts.
Rats may be smart, but a guy could be smarter.
You come here, I'll talk to you. We'll figure something out.
- You read about the subway rats? - No.
Between 125th Street and Grand Central, there are armies of rats.
It was in the "Daily News" today. Six people got bit.
- Six people? - Six people, man.
- On the subway? - On the subway.
You're doing something wrong.
Obviously. I put the traps in the same place. It's always a bust.
What kind of bait did you use?
The sharpest cheddar cheese I could find.
- Lamb chops. - Lamb chops?
- Like dinner. - That's stupid.
- I'm sorry. Should I use Béarnaise? - Use raw bacon.
And switch poisons. He's probably used to what you're using.
Don't forget the rubber gloves.
What rubber gloves?
- The rubber gloves I told you about. - You said nothing about them.
I definitely mentioned them. That's very important.
Rats pick up on the human smell, and that's it, game over.
- lf you won't listen, why am I telling you? - Fine. Rubber gloves.
Checked the boiler room yet?
I didn't think of it. I put a trap in the basement.
Haven't been in the boiler room.
My guess is you're gonna find him there.
This is a copy, I need the original. He's got it.
Keep your pants on. He'll be here now. I'll have it on your desk today.
I can't do anything about Pyramid without his signature.
Here he comes now. It's only 9:10.
Hall needs your signature on the Pyramid power of attorney right away.
Quite an excitable boy.
Good day so far, Bart?
Can we all play?
You said nothing about rubber gloves, you boneheaded fart.
Are you hands soft and nice? Yes, they are.
Got you!
That's real groovy.
I bet that's how you did it.
So it's a female.
Think he's going to make it?
I always thought he could handle pressure.
Now we can see what he's really made of.
Great game last night.
- It was shutout, wasn't it? - Yeah, I think so.
What do you guys know about hockey?
- Did you see the game? - No.
I read your preliminary memo.
A little unorthodox, to say the least, but interesting if you can amplify on it.
You see, essentially what we're doing...
is closing down bank branches in retired minority areas.
Yet those people are paying back loans...
faster than some doctors and lawyers we have lunch with.
You son of a gun. You're going to stir things up. I like that.
Give it to me in black and white.
But I don't know if you're going to survive to see your own show.
Are you pacing yourself?
It's not as bad as it looks.
I've got some things that I'm having to deal with.
Something with Meg? Never mind, it's none of my business.
Just settle it.
I need all your attention. I don't think I've got it.
I might have to put someone in the wings.
James Hall?
I'm still behind you, Bart.
Pacing, that's the key.
Settle whatever's bothering you, kiddo.
Wait here, she'll be right out.
This stuff is a mess.
Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.
You were going to give me the L.A. stuff.
I must be out of my mind.
Right, come on in.
You'll proofread this stuff tonight...
and photostat it tomorrow before the meeting.
- No problem. - Great.
Finally I get to see this gorgeous home of yours.
I'm sorry it's not very clean. The housekeeper's out of town.
Janis told me about this article in "Architectural Digest..."
about renovated brownstones. I was thinking maybe you'd be interested.
The third floor's still a mess.
It's very Edgar Allan Poe up there.
It's where the cockroaches have their birthday parties.
What a floor!
This wood must have taken you forever to strip down.
I did all this by hand myself. Not one machine touched this floor.
It's gorgeous. And so much room.
Beautiful things.
Your wife must be very happy here.
I don't know. You should talk to her about that.
Sometimes I think she thinks she's running second to this place.
What's happening with you?
My son, Pete, he's the best.
You don't know him, do you?
He's a killer.
All is not easy.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry or anything.
What was that?
House sounds.
Come on, I'll walk you to your cab.
There you go.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Here, kitty.
Come here. Want a job, puddy cat? That's right.
We'll put you to work. Would you like that?
Where did you get this sweet face? What have we got in here?
A saucer.
Over here. Would you like some old ketchup to eat?
Would you like a lime? No? Okay.
How about a cucumber or a banana? What's in here?
See what we've got in here.
Did you know that I was king of all the pretties?
Good, two-week-old oysters. Want some of those?
I used to have a puddy like you.
But my wife sneezes, so I can't have one anymore.
Here, you want some rope? It's top of the line.
I don't need rope. What other kind of lights do you have?
Lights. No hammers.
I got a great light here. They use this in coal mines.
- It's great. It leaves your hands free. - How does it work?
Put it on your head like this.
You need a hat. Put this on your belt.
- I'll take this. - You need scissors to cut through stuff?
- Those are great gloves. You'll need them. - No, I don't need scissors.
No, I don't need tennis balls. I'll just take this.
- You need a gas mask... - I just need this!
- Just get this! - Okay, I got it for you.
Now, listen. The major dilemma here...
is that this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
I've been around. I've been to college. I've been there.
I've tried dope. I've tried these things.
I want you to know who you're dealing with.
Come on.
You son of a bitch!
You don't understand. This isn't some ordinary rat I'm dealing with.
It killed my"..."
It killed my cat.
That's very kind of you.
I'll put the house key under the second step...
in front of the main door.
When you come in, there's a library to your left.
The check will be under the stereo cover, on top of the platter.
Thank you very much.
You okay?
Hello? Hi, honey.
Come home, baby. I need you.
It's only a few more days. Can't you live without me?
How's Peter?
Fine. He's right here. He's dying to talk to you.
Hold on.
Peter, it's your daddy.
- Hi, Daddy. - Hi, pal.
You having fun with Grandma and Granddad?
Yeah, come on over, Daddy.
Peter? Hello, Peter?
Darling, I'm home!
But you're not.
- "Modern exterminators." - This is Hughes!
You came into my house, took my money, and this thing is still...
"Hold it"! "What money", "you son of a bitch?"
{Y:i}I wasted an hour coming uptown "for your bullshit check"!
"No money", "no job"!
Liberace, huh?
That's good.
That's funny.
Okay, I quit for tonight.
In my bed!
You want a war, I'll give you a war!
And don't tell me I didn't hit you. I hit you! I did.
"We"'"ll show him what a man can do..."
Go away.
What is it? What's going on?
There was some guy...
an exterminator, trying to reach you. He called you all kinds of names.
Can I help you?
It's time for you to go.
There just ain't enough hours in the day, Betty.
I wondered when you'd get around to that.
That's all right.
I'm ready for you.
Motherfucker!
Thank you, Tom.
Don't let the staff see you like this.
Something's happening at home, and I'm going to take care of it now.
You'll get that report when I'm finished with it.
It's a matter of priorities.
And if you want to give it to James Hall, that's your choice.
If you want to stick with me"..."
That's the long and short of it.
Don't let the staff see you like this.
I understand, but"..."
Could you just say her husband called, and ask her to call me back?
Yes, thank you.
Amazing.
I hope you fried your ass, you tart.
I don't know"..." Where is it?
Did you move it, or what?
Hi, honey, we're home.
I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
I don't know anymore.
Where have you been?
Operator, there must be some mistake.
Can we try again, please?
Could you try one more time?
Thank you, operator.
I've been trying to call Bart. Something's wrong with his phone.
- lf it's about his Chicago file... - It is.
There's been a little change in our timetable.
The Board meeting has been postponed. Chicago and Detroit can't make it.
I'm pushing it back two weeks.
I'm sure Bart can use the extra time.
I'm sure he can.
Thanks, Eliot.
Bart, can you hear me?
Bart, are you there? Can you hear me?
Listen to me. Everything's gonna be okay.
Eliot's given us another two weeks!
Leave us alone!
Come on down!
Good!
Honey, what are you wearing?
You're all wet.
Look at you. You're soaking wet!
- Who is this? - I missed you, Daddy.
- Let me rub your beard. - Rub my beard.
- You'll catch cold. - Who's my best pal?
- I am. - That's right.
Missed you.
- The luggage. - Fuck the luggage.
- Oh, my God! What happened here? - I had a party.